I know all the "Sunday School" answers. (And I believe them as well.) I know God's mercy and His strength - I know that he will sustain me and I know that he is good all the time.
But mostly today, I just feel really really sad. And really empty - an emptiness that reaches down to my toes.
If I have learned anything in this season is that you should never go through life alone. You should never live alone - isolated, in your own bubble,, with walls around you. Because if you live alone, you will die alone.
When we first found out about Dad's cancer, I remember a sacred moment very well. Dad was talking to Jeremy and he looked up at him, eyes pleading, "What are we going to do now?" Jeremy took his Dad's tired hand in his and said, "We will put one foot in front of the other, we will hold hands and make it through - step by step; just how we've weathered every other storm. Together."
I applaud that. Everything about Dad's life has been together - helping, strengthening, encouraging, building. His life's passion is for others.
If you don't have someone to walk through life with - find someone. Live your life with an open heart and outstretched hands.
The doctors say that Dad is dying. If I am to be honest, I don't know yet what Jesus says. But I know what I see. I see a man vulnerable, weak and tired - and really ready for this journey to be over - one way or the other. But I will tell you what else I see. I see a man who threw his whole entire life into the passions of Christ. I see a man who knows who he is in God. I see a man who knows his God well and knows His people very well too.
But mostly, I see a man who lived his whole life with arms outstretched, palms up - inviting one more person into his life - one more people group into his world - always building the bridge between man and God; his life's purpose.
So I don't have all the answers. In fact, today, I don't feel I have any of the answers. But the one thing I do know is that I don't want to live life alone. I want to go through pain together. I want to go through joy together. I want to tear the walls down around me, to live my life poured out for others. Because if I don't live alone, I won't die alone.
I believe in community. I believe in walking hand in hand with those around me; in sharing my tears and my deep fears. I believe in linking arms and leaping or treading into the unknown.
I believe in TOGETHER.