Monday, September 2, 2013

I Am Not Ready

I feel like I am frantically running after summer, my arms flailing - screaming for it NOT to go;  pleading for it not to pass me by.  I am so not ready for it to be fall.  I am so not ready for Sean to go back to school.

I had so many hopes and plans for the summer; days of lazing in the sun; weekends away hiking up mountains and camping in tents underneath the starlit sky, nights of sitting around a campfire roasting marshmallows and making up schmores.  The truth is,  I didn't do any of it.   And it was not any ONE thing or reason - it was a combination of all kinds of reasons why the summer didn't look like the one we started out with in our hearts.

In all honesty,  I am just not ready for all kinds of things that are currently happening in my life.

I am not ready to see my last child grow up.  I am not ready to see my parents aging or for my first grandchild to be so grown up;  I am certainly not ready to turn 50 in a few months.  I am so not ready.

There are so many things that I should have done by now.  There are so many things that I should have done this summer.

But I have found that it doesn't matter if I am not ready.  Time still comes and goes all too quickly.   It sizzles and dances and screeches past you and if you are not careful - if you are not really intentional with your life, you CAN miss it.  Or you can miss bits and pieces of it you wish that you hadn't. 

Days, weeks, months and even years soar by - boldly and unashamed - waiting for no one.  It's almost cruel actually.

Often I look at Sean who is seven and I have to pinch my arms and shake my head.  Where did those years go?  How did he grow up under my nose?  I remember it like it was just yesterday - holding this tiny human being in the crook of my arm - my heart so very full of gratitude.

I want to be intentional with my life.  I want to build memories and play and love life even in the pain, even in the really  hard parts of the journey,  because this day,  this moment will never be mine to live again.  It will never be mine to enjoy again.

I want to build my life - brick by brick and be proud of what I have built in the end.  I want my heart song to be that of hope and freedom and deliverance - even in the moments I feel hopeless and locked up.  Because those are the moments; those are the days I want to remember - the days I clung onto hope even when it looked bleak; the days I sang the song of triumph even when I felt my feet sinking.

I want to clear my mind of all the muckiness of negativity and worry and pain and anxiety that locks me into isolation.  I want to throw off every thought, every criticism, every insecurity that would bring  darkness to my day.  Those are all things that clutter up the mind;  make the day messy; inhibit me from capturing what I need to capture.   I want my heart clean and clear of all those things so that I can love deeply,  so that I can enjoy fully.

So,  I am not ready.  I am not ready for all of the changes going on around me but it's okay.  It's okay because I am going to put my head down and run as hard and fast and crazy as I can; I am going to run with purpose and intention and dignity.  And I am going to give this thing we call LIFE,  150%!

Ready or not...

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