Monday, June 9, 2014
Kisses in the Wind
He stood there blowing more kisses as I drove away. I was late. I needed to make my appointment. It was a domino effect. I was late getting up and then I was late getting Dylan to the bus stop and then I was late getting Sean to school and I knew that that would make me late for my next two appointments. When I dropped him off he got out slowly and sauntered towards the school door. He wasn't depressed or trying to be slow, he was just enjoying life as he walked. When he got there he turned and waved at me. I waved back. He waved again and held the door open for two kids scurrying to class. He stood there in the door way and blew a kiss at me. I blew one back and then put my car in reverse, he blew another kiss so excited by this game, I blew one back and started to back out. Once more, he blew a kiss and I turned. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his face fall that I didn't return the kiss. He was late and I was late. I started to drive away with a twinge of guilt. I looked back to where he had been standing and he was gone. A stronger twinge of guilt. And then panic swept in, a big massive wave of panic. What if that was the last I ever saw of him? What if something happened today at school and the last time I ever saw him was backing out and denying him that one last kiss? Would I ever be able to live with myself? I knew that I could not. I started to cry. Clutching the steering wheel, crying, I circled the school with an internal struggle inside of me. Should I park the car and cancel all my appointments today and make sure everything is okay in the school? One should never give in to panic of every day life. But one should always give in to the leading of the Holy Spirit. But which was this? Life always seems to be a dance of " did He say… or am I just thinking..." I decided that it was the latter because of how it caught my emotions. If it's God it usually catches my spirit, but not my emotions so deeply.
I started to proceed to my appointments for the day but it got me to thinking. Sean knew that he had school to go to and he loves school and he loves his teacher. But he knew what he wanted in the moment and that was to blow kisses to me. He chose to be present instead of hurried. He was in his own little “not rushed and peaceful” world. In his mind, he has school all day every day for 12 years. Today, school could wait just a little bit while he blew kisses in the wind at me. I applaud that.
When I was was young teenager, I knew a lady in our church. I really looked up to her. I really aspired to be like her. She was always busy, always in a hurry, always running late. When she came to the door to pick something up, she would be insanely rushed - massive, thick ,curly hair blowing in hand wind as she whisked out to the car finishing up her story as she ran to her next appointment. She was always on the go and had several projects going at once. She seemed to have several balls up in the air and she was desperately harried and busy and loving life. I pictured my life like that years from that point. I pictured a baby in tow with little kids at my feet, talking on the phone while I was baking cookies. I pictured talking on the phone to person after person giving them advice and comfort and prayers while I was making supper and vacuuming the floor getting ready for company that night. I romanticized that busy life. It's exactly what I aspired to do and when I got married that is exactly what I did. Being in the ministry all of our married life, juggling ministry, home life, and work life and volunteer life and friendships, that's exactly what my life looked life for long seasons.
But I am writing a new story. And in that new story, I am not so rushed. And I won't make back to back counseling appointments in the evening like I did for so many years. And I won't make that calendar so full that I forget to be in the moment. I am beginning to learn not to jump every time I get a text message or notification on my iPhone for Instagram or Twitter or Facebook, those things can wait. They can wait. While I enjoy the moment.
Now before you think that I am advocating becoming a hippy and being late to all your appointments let me clarify. I understand that there are jobs and there is reality and there is the clock and all those things are important. But what I am advocating is to rethink our lives a bit. Because sometimes what we thought was so important aren't really the important things at all. And the things that we thought weren't that important are really the most important things in our lives.
It seems like in today's society, or at least in my mind, it seems that the more demands you have, the more people calling, texting, writing you, the more things you have to do or go to or speak at or be in charge of, the more you are IN demand - the more loved you are; the more valuable you are; the more important you are. My new story says that I am important even if my phone never rings, I am important even if I never come to anyone's rescue today, even if I didn't save anyone's life. Even if I didn't run myself ragged by running here and there trying to get way too much accomplished in a day, I am valuable, I am loved, and I am so important.
Yes I am writing a new story. And in my new story, I have time to blow kisses in the wind to my son.