Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Through Eyes of Faith: Purses and 2014 and Letting Go
Through Eyes of Faith: Purses and 2014 and Letting Go: I love purses. I love going to Taiwan and finding beautiful, lovely purses. I love walking into a store and spotting a wonderful purse. I...
Purses and 2014 and Letting Go
I love purses. I love going to Taiwan and finding beautiful, lovely purses. I love walking into a store and spotting a wonderful purse. I love receiving purses. In fact, I actually get giddy with excitement when someone gifts me with one. So consequently, I have a few of them. I have a rubbermaid bin of purses that I have in my closet and I periodically change my purse out for a different one. Some time ago, I was looking at the bin and thinking that when I bought another one, I would have to get rid of one. And I have some that I can get rid of. But it’s really hard to do so. I have a few that are worn, they really don’t work as well as they used to and they are definitely older than ones I usually use. But I have kept them even though their usefulness has worn out. Probably because I have so many memories attached to that purse or those purses. Purses to me are like stories, stories of trips to Taiwan or cruises or tours through New York. They remind me of struggles I have been through or victories I have wrought. They remind me of tickets held or beautiful notes from loved ones slipped in to one of the pockets. They are like pictures, memories if you will. But all the same, I have to let go if I want to add a beautiful, more useful purse; if I want to feel the delight of smelling new leather and seeing shiny accessories hanging from the purse; if I want to feel my heart beating faster as I put the purse on my shoulder and feel the way it tunes in with my body as I walk.
And I think that our lives are like that sometimes. Sometimes we let our lives get so full of what is not useful to us that we don’t allow those things in that will free us or make us happy. Sometimes, we need to let go of that hurt or that worry or that fear, in order to free our mind for the better things of life. Sometimes we need to let go of that job we hate in order to find the job we love. Sometimes we need to let go of bitterness in order to leave room for the freedom to find a new home in our mind.
Maybe it’s not a bad thing that we need to let go. But maybe we need to simplify or streamline something in our lives. Maybe we have to just simply to let go of the good to grab ahold of the best.
A few months ago, we sang a song in Church.
"Only You"
Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I'm letting go
I lift it up to You who's throned
And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord
Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I'm leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything
And It's just you and me here now
Only you and me here now
You should see the view
When it's only You
Sometimes it is hard to let go. Often it is painful. That is our stuff. Those are our memories. Those are our dreams. Those things are a part of our life. But sometimes, ever once in a while we need to let go so that we can make room for what really needs to be in our lives.
It’s risky to let go. It’s daring. Maybe you will regret it. Maybe it will lead to unfamiliar territory. Maybe you will hurt. Maybe you will find yourself in a broken place. Letting go is messy. It’s unpredictable.
Maybe, just maybe...
There are so many questions; so many variables.
But we need to choose - with trembling hands, to grab ahold of the courage that it takes to let go. In 2014, let’s leap into the new year, without that which bogs us down, without that which makes our lives more complicated than it ought. Let’s give ourselves freedom to be what we need to be - to do what we need to do. Let’s let go.
What do you need to leave behind in 2013? What do you need to let go of today?
And I think that our lives are like that sometimes. Sometimes we let our lives get so full of what is not useful to us that we don’t allow those things in that will free us or make us happy. Sometimes, we need to let go of that hurt or that worry or that fear, in order to free our mind for the better things of life. Sometimes we need to let go of that job we hate in order to find the job we love. Sometimes we need to let go of bitterness in order to leave room for the freedom to find a new home in our mind.
Maybe it’s not a bad thing that we need to let go. But maybe we need to simplify or streamline something in our lives. Maybe we have to just simply to let go of the good to grab ahold of the best.
A few months ago, we sang a song in Church.
"Only You"
Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I'm letting go
I lift it up to You who's throned
And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord
Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I'm leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything
And It's just you and me here now
Only you and me here now
You should see the view
When it's only You
Sometimes it is hard to let go. Often it is painful. That is our stuff. Those are our memories. Those are our dreams. Those things are a part of our life. But sometimes, ever once in a while we need to let go so that we can make room for what really needs to be in our lives.
It’s risky to let go. It’s daring. Maybe you will regret it. Maybe it will lead to unfamiliar territory. Maybe you will hurt. Maybe you will find yourself in a broken place. Letting go is messy. It’s unpredictable.
Maybe, just maybe...
There are so many questions; so many variables.
But we need to choose - with trembling hands, to grab ahold of the courage that it takes to let go. In 2014, let’s leap into the new year, without that which bogs us down, without that which makes our lives more complicated than it ought. Let’s give ourselves freedom to be what we need to be - to do what we need to do. Let’s let go.
What do you need to leave behind in 2013? What do you need to let go of today?
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Leaving 2013
As 2014 approaches, I have realized that 2013 taught me some hard lessons. I wanted to share them with you.
First of all, I learned that I am an emotional eater. I always knew this but didn’t know the extent of it. At the beginning of the year, I worked so hard to lose weight, to be more fit and to be healthier. And I was gaining ground. When my father in law got sick, I simply didn’t have time for the 1 1/2 hours I was putting into exercising and instead of reaching for the treadmill, I didn’t have the strength to make the right choice - I reached for that piece of bread instead. When you are an emotional eater, you eat for comfort, you eat because that seems to be a safe place, you eat because you just don’t have the strength to make another decision about the 5 precious minutes that lay before you until you have to dive into the next thing in your day. It doesn’t mean that you are lazy. It doesn’t mean that you are not self controlled. It doesn’t mean that you are inferior. It means that you need to re train your mind as to what comforts you; what refuels you, what energizes you. For me, I realized that I not only liked exercise and physical activity, I NEEDED them. I needed them to put me on the path of intention. I needed to them to stay my focus. I needed them for energy; and for comfort. I also need art and reading and painting. So the next time, I feel like I don’t have time for this, I will remind myself that I can’t afford to let those things be shoved to the shelf - even in the name of sacrificing my time for others or for family. Because in the end, when I do the things that help me emotionally, I am becoming a better woman for it. I am becoming a better mom and a better wife, a better pastor. I have to schedule time for these things in my week. Its how God made me and the thing I learned the most this year, was to accept that part of my life and let it be ok for me to have some ME time.
I learned that numbers mean too much to me but that’s for another blog.
I learned that in the midst of pain and sorrow and tragedy, I needed the comfort of my friends surrounding me, carrying me through when I felt I couldn’t walk anymore even though they were limping themselves. We needed each other desperately in this season of our lives and we have grown stronger, better and closer because of it.
I learned that in this next year, I want to write. I learned that I can navigate the dangerous parts of my life when I write. I can sort things out in my spirit when I put it on paper. I have been encouraged and spurred on by so many of you, my readers, to write a book. So that’s exactly what I am going to do. (Thank you for that.)
I learned that you will never know when you will breathe your last breath. And those things that are really important to you will be the things that you are glad that you did. I learned that you need to search your soul and find what those things are. And then you need to use that as a template to live an intentional life. I don’t want bitterness and hardness and pain to have any place in my heart and in my mind when I am spending these precious little moments that I have on this beautiful earth. I learned that regret shouldn’t share any space in my heart. Hate shouldn’t taunt my mind, hate of any kind, threatening to steal my days and my attention.
Even the Bible says that our time here on this earth is like a wisp - it’s like a vapor - spend it wisely. Spend it lavishly but spend it intentionally. Spend it with those that you would love to be remembered by and with. Move on from those who do not honor you or respect you or encourage you to live a good life.
The biggest thing that I learned from this year is that God’s grace carries me through. When my friends don’t have the strength to do it anymore, when family is too weak to link arms and when I am just too weak and small and frail to do the journey of the day - He comes alongside of me and He sends me a scripture or a story or anything to help me through the day. The scripture “His grace is sufficient” rings in my ears almost daily. Because it is. And He is. This has been a tough year. It started out with me puking in the new year, followed closely by Dylan getting sent home from England and then it really went downhill from there. There were so many painful things that happened this year that is not even related to my father in law dying.
But I am starting to realize that as much as I hate pain, it is a part of life and it is okay.
Pain is okay, because pain means that you are alive, pain means that you are real, pain means that you haven’t blocked up your emotions and you are letting yourself feel the happiness as well as the pain. Pain is okay, because sooner or later, you will feel that freedom of a painLESS season and when you do, it’s deeper, stronger, lovelier because you have known what it is like to be without. You will have understood what it is like to try to put one foot in front of the other when you feel like you are walking through molasses. You gain a new appreciation for the beauty around you. You grab ahold of those wonderful seasons because you remember what it’s like to crave them - to be without them.
I learned this year that I am weaker than I thought I was which made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. When I was able to embrace my weakness, when I was able to be honest about where I was in my life and in my journey even through the weakest parts of my life, I found that that sparked a strength and a vitality in my spirit that I never knew I had. It enabled me to draw on a strength that I had deep deep down in the belly of my being and to walk on - knowing that the next day I will still be here; knowing that the sun WILL shine on the darkened skies again, I WILL still be loving God, I WILL still be believing in life, I WILL still be celebrating the beautiful moments of my journey. That strength, my friend, doesn’t come from being strong all the time. It comes from being weaker than you ever thought possible and still walking forward.
As I leave 2013, I will be glad to say good bye to a year that held a lot of pain. But I have to recognize that I will never again be the same - in a good way. The lessons I learned this year are what have made me who I am today.
And I dance - no, I leap into 2014 and I believe that there is a whole lot more laughter waiting for me in the coming year!
First of all, I learned that I am an emotional eater. I always knew this but didn’t know the extent of it. At the beginning of the year, I worked so hard to lose weight, to be more fit and to be healthier. And I was gaining ground. When my father in law got sick, I simply didn’t have time for the 1 1/2 hours I was putting into exercising and instead of reaching for the treadmill, I didn’t have the strength to make the right choice - I reached for that piece of bread instead. When you are an emotional eater, you eat for comfort, you eat because that seems to be a safe place, you eat because you just don’t have the strength to make another decision about the 5 precious minutes that lay before you until you have to dive into the next thing in your day. It doesn’t mean that you are lazy. It doesn’t mean that you are not self controlled. It doesn’t mean that you are inferior. It means that you need to re train your mind as to what comforts you; what refuels you, what energizes you. For me, I realized that I not only liked exercise and physical activity, I NEEDED them. I needed them to put me on the path of intention. I needed to them to stay my focus. I needed them for energy; and for comfort. I also need art and reading and painting. So the next time, I feel like I don’t have time for this, I will remind myself that I can’t afford to let those things be shoved to the shelf - even in the name of sacrificing my time for others or for family. Because in the end, when I do the things that help me emotionally, I am becoming a better woman for it. I am becoming a better mom and a better wife, a better pastor. I have to schedule time for these things in my week. Its how God made me and the thing I learned the most this year, was to accept that part of my life and let it be ok for me to have some ME time.
I learned that numbers mean too much to me but that’s for another blog.
I learned that in the midst of pain and sorrow and tragedy, I needed the comfort of my friends surrounding me, carrying me through when I felt I couldn’t walk anymore even though they were limping themselves. We needed each other desperately in this season of our lives and we have grown stronger, better and closer because of it.
I learned that in this next year, I want to write. I learned that I can navigate the dangerous parts of my life when I write. I can sort things out in my spirit when I put it on paper. I have been encouraged and spurred on by so many of you, my readers, to write a book. So that’s exactly what I am going to do. (Thank you for that.)
I learned that you will never know when you will breathe your last breath. And those things that are really important to you will be the things that you are glad that you did. I learned that you need to search your soul and find what those things are. And then you need to use that as a template to live an intentional life. I don’t want bitterness and hardness and pain to have any place in my heart and in my mind when I am spending these precious little moments that I have on this beautiful earth. I learned that regret shouldn’t share any space in my heart. Hate shouldn’t taunt my mind, hate of any kind, threatening to steal my days and my attention.
Even the Bible says that our time here on this earth is like a wisp - it’s like a vapor - spend it wisely. Spend it lavishly but spend it intentionally. Spend it with those that you would love to be remembered by and with. Move on from those who do not honor you or respect you or encourage you to live a good life.
The biggest thing that I learned from this year is that God’s grace carries me through. When my friends don’t have the strength to do it anymore, when family is too weak to link arms and when I am just too weak and small and frail to do the journey of the day - He comes alongside of me and He sends me a scripture or a story or anything to help me through the day. The scripture “His grace is sufficient” rings in my ears almost daily. Because it is. And He is. This has been a tough year. It started out with me puking in the new year, followed closely by Dylan getting sent home from England and then it really went downhill from there. There were so many painful things that happened this year that is not even related to my father in law dying.
But I am starting to realize that as much as I hate pain, it is a part of life and it is okay.
Pain is okay, because pain means that you are alive, pain means that you are real, pain means that you haven’t blocked up your emotions and you are letting yourself feel the happiness as well as the pain. Pain is okay, because sooner or later, you will feel that freedom of a painLESS season and when you do, it’s deeper, stronger, lovelier because you have known what it is like to be without. You will have understood what it is like to try to put one foot in front of the other when you feel like you are walking through molasses. You gain a new appreciation for the beauty around you. You grab ahold of those wonderful seasons because you remember what it’s like to crave them - to be without them.
I learned this year that I am weaker than I thought I was which made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. When I was able to embrace my weakness, when I was able to be honest about where I was in my life and in my journey even through the weakest parts of my life, I found that that sparked a strength and a vitality in my spirit that I never knew I had. It enabled me to draw on a strength that I had deep deep down in the belly of my being and to walk on - knowing that the next day I will still be here; knowing that the sun WILL shine on the darkened skies again, I WILL still be loving God, I WILL still be believing in life, I WILL still be celebrating the beautiful moments of my journey. That strength, my friend, doesn’t come from being strong all the time. It comes from being weaker than you ever thought possible and still walking forward.
As I leave 2013, I will be glad to say good bye to a year that held a lot of pain. But I have to recognize that I will never again be the same - in a good way. The lessons I learned this year are what have made me who I am today.
And I dance - no, I leap into 2014 and I believe that there is a whole lot more laughter waiting for me in the coming year!
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Sometimes
I cried.
I cried because of the madness that this world is sometimes. I cried because you don’t ever know and not knowing makes it as scary as a big black hole in the earth. I cried because some days I live wondering when the next bullet is going to hit; wondering when the next massive wave is going to overtake me and I am going to feel myself drowning again. I cried because sometimes I just want to leave the scary, the hard and painful bits of my life and live in a bubble for a while. Sometimes I want to drive as far as I can possibly drive and just sit there and stare at the sky. Sometimes nothing makes sense - everything is going in all the wrong directions and its just too painful to breathe. Because we really have no control do we? We aren’t in control of our days or months or years and sometimes the only One that is, doesn’t seem to hear us and or want to know our opinion. I wish I was a woman full of faith but sometimes I am just a woman full of questions and no answers.
As I sobbed, I talked to God. I was asking God to help me navigate through the dangerous season of my life right now. It almost seems as though it is stretched too thin. Like thin thin ice on top of freezing cold waters - waiting for it to crack and open up.
And suddenly I saw David, a young boy standing in front of a king named Saul. And this is what he said, “God rescued me from the lion. He rescued me from the bear. He is going to rescue me from this giant too.”
David didn’t wonder why on earth he had to face this giant. He didn’t moan and groan about the fact that he had fought a bear and he had fought a lion and NOW - NOW he had to fight the giant TOO!!?? He didn’t cry and stomp his feet or hide and cower like the rest of them did. And so many of us do. We do. We get angry or sad or scared. But David just acted. He saw a giant in the camp. He saw a giant defying his God, and he rolled up his sleeves and said, “Let me at ‘em.” What rose up in him that day - that he would face a giant? He was a young man. He was a human like you and me - who loved and valued his life. He got scared and insecure and frightened and intimidated - just like you and me. David was not capable. He was not a warrior. What rose up in him?? Was it faith? Hope? Confidence? Anger?
His brothers told him to shut up and go home. They basically called him a brat. “You just wanted to see the battle David. That’s the only reason you came - you just wanted to be like a big boy and see what was happening over here.”
The king told him that it wouldn’t end well for him. But since he was the only one brave enough to fight the giant, he let him. But I know as he walked out of that room, Saul felt sorry for the poor brave boy who was going to die very soon. He wasn’t even big enough to wear his armor. And I know that David knew what Saul was thinking but he didn’t care.
When David faced the giant, he ridiculed him. He called him a dog.He made fun of him and humiliated him. I wonder if at any point, David wondered what on earth he was doing standing in front of this giant daring him to a fight with his little rocks. What was going through his mind as he stared up into the face of the giant who was mocking him and mocking the rest of them for sending him someone like David?
I don’t think that he let his mind go there. He didn’t wonder whether he was enough for the job at hand because he knew that God was. He didn’t wonder if his dream was too big for him because he knew it wasn’t too big for God. I think that David was absolutely propelled by the knowledge and faith he had in his God to save him because he had seen God save him before. He had forged that relationship with him and he knew that God was going to rescue him. Yes, David was risking it. He was risking his reputation; his future, his very life - but that didn’t matter. Because there was a giant standing there and he wasn’t supposed to be there. He needed to be gone.
My life right now is like looking up into the face of a giant. It’s way too big for me right now. Its way too complicated and loud and crazy. But I remember - I choose to remember. God rescued me from the lion. He rescued me from the bear. And he will rescue me from the giant too.
Do you have giants in your life right now? Does your life seem upside down in so many ways? He has given you the tools to deal with that giant. He has given you the courage. He has given you the grace.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand. Sometimes, when life hits you hard, you need to scream until your throat is raw. Sometimes you need to run until your feet are stinging. Sometimes you need to cry until your belly aches. But at the end of the day, when you stare up at that giant, with your tear streaked face, you need to slowly roll up your sleeves as you feel that hope rising up within you, as you feel that faith carrying you, as you feel that relationship with your God anchoring you, and you need to tell the giant that he doesn’t belong.
I cried because of the madness that this world is sometimes. I cried because you don’t ever know and not knowing makes it as scary as a big black hole in the earth. I cried because some days I live wondering when the next bullet is going to hit; wondering when the next massive wave is going to overtake me and I am going to feel myself drowning again. I cried because sometimes I just want to leave the scary, the hard and painful bits of my life and live in a bubble for a while. Sometimes I want to drive as far as I can possibly drive and just sit there and stare at the sky. Sometimes nothing makes sense - everything is going in all the wrong directions and its just too painful to breathe. Because we really have no control do we? We aren’t in control of our days or months or years and sometimes the only One that is, doesn’t seem to hear us and or want to know our opinion. I wish I was a woman full of faith but sometimes I am just a woman full of questions and no answers.
As I sobbed, I talked to God. I was asking God to help me navigate through the dangerous season of my life right now. It almost seems as though it is stretched too thin. Like thin thin ice on top of freezing cold waters - waiting for it to crack and open up.
And suddenly I saw David, a young boy standing in front of a king named Saul. And this is what he said, “God rescued me from the lion. He rescued me from the bear. He is going to rescue me from this giant too.”
David didn’t wonder why on earth he had to face this giant. He didn’t moan and groan about the fact that he had fought a bear and he had fought a lion and NOW - NOW he had to fight the giant TOO!!?? He didn’t cry and stomp his feet or hide and cower like the rest of them did. And so many of us do. We do. We get angry or sad or scared. But David just acted. He saw a giant in the camp. He saw a giant defying his God, and he rolled up his sleeves and said, “Let me at ‘em.” What rose up in him that day - that he would face a giant? He was a young man. He was a human like you and me - who loved and valued his life. He got scared and insecure and frightened and intimidated - just like you and me. David was not capable. He was not a warrior. What rose up in him?? Was it faith? Hope? Confidence? Anger?
His brothers told him to shut up and go home. They basically called him a brat. “You just wanted to see the battle David. That’s the only reason you came - you just wanted to be like a big boy and see what was happening over here.”
The king told him that it wouldn’t end well for him. But since he was the only one brave enough to fight the giant, he let him. But I know as he walked out of that room, Saul felt sorry for the poor brave boy who was going to die very soon. He wasn’t even big enough to wear his armor. And I know that David knew what Saul was thinking but he didn’t care.
When David faced the giant, he ridiculed him. He called him a dog.He made fun of him and humiliated him. I wonder if at any point, David wondered what on earth he was doing standing in front of this giant daring him to a fight with his little rocks. What was going through his mind as he stared up into the face of the giant who was mocking him and mocking the rest of them for sending him someone like David?
I don’t think that he let his mind go there. He didn’t wonder whether he was enough for the job at hand because he knew that God was. He didn’t wonder if his dream was too big for him because he knew it wasn’t too big for God. I think that David was absolutely propelled by the knowledge and faith he had in his God to save him because he had seen God save him before. He had forged that relationship with him and he knew that God was going to rescue him. Yes, David was risking it. He was risking his reputation; his future, his very life - but that didn’t matter. Because there was a giant standing there and he wasn’t supposed to be there. He needed to be gone.
My life right now is like looking up into the face of a giant. It’s way too big for me right now. Its way too complicated and loud and crazy. But I remember - I choose to remember. God rescued me from the lion. He rescued me from the bear. And he will rescue me from the giant too.
Do you have giants in your life right now? Does your life seem upside down in so many ways? He has given you the tools to deal with that giant. He has given you the courage. He has given you the grace.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand. Sometimes, when life hits you hard, you need to scream until your throat is raw. Sometimes you need to run until your feet are stinging. Sometimes you need to cry until your belly aches. But at the end of the day, when you stare up at that giant, with your tear streaked face, you need to slowly roll up your sleeves as you feel that hope rising up within you, as you feel that faith carrying you, as you feel that relationship with your God anchoring you, and you need to tell the giant that he doesn’t belong.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Summer, Storms and Holly Hocks
This summer I could see it from my kitchen window. Every morning when I turned on my dearly loved keurig coffee machine, I looked out the window and I smiled.
It was my tallest Holly Hock. I think that Holly Hocks are my favorite flower. It’s definitely ONE of my favorites for sure. I think that they are so romantic and free flowing and strong and beautiful. They are kind of artsy and I love artsy things. But this one - well this one taught me something.
It taught me that in the midst of hail, and hurricane force winds and cold, cold spurts when it was supposed to be hot - I can stand strong; I can stand tall and I can be beautiful.
I remember after the third hailstorm this summer - looking outside at my flowers. It looked like a marigold massacre. Bit and pieces of petals and leaves and stems strewn all over my garden; vegetables had totally given up and pansies were one dimensional - they looked like a cruel painting against my steps. It was awful weather for any plant to survive.
Then a day or two later, I noticed something. My holly hocks - even though they were horizontal - they were blooming. They had been flattened; trampled by the weather, but still they found the strength to bring forth this beautiful bloom from their gangly stalks.
And then a few days later I looked and gasped. There was my tallest one -standing upright. Not laying on the ground anymore. It was taller than I was. It was beautiful and extravagant and strong. You would have never guessed in a million years what storms that Holly Hock had to weather. In amongst the weeds, the less than perfect soil, the terrible weather, it chose to be outrageously lovely.
It felt like it was cheering me on every day. “Yeah, Faith, you can do it! It doesn’t matter if you’ve had an achingly cold and harsh summer; it doesn’t matter if the storms keeps coming - you can do it I I’ve done it so can you!”
The bible talks about being more than a conqueror. I preached on that a few months ago. I have come to believe that being more than a conqueror has a lot more to do with your resolve to serve Jesus in the midst of “it all” rather than having all the circumstances line up perfectly in a row for your enjoyment. I think that being more than a conqueror means that you weather the storms of life knowing that you won’t run away from the one who calls you his son or daughter. You may have questions - you may be confused ;and you may even be a little bit angry - but you know Jesus enough. You have forged that relationship enough. You have dug the wells of friendship with Jesus in a deep way. You have enough history with Him to know that he is still God, he is still good and he can still be deeply trusted and loved with abandonment. That’s what I believe being more than a conqueror is.
So this summer I found myself looking out my kitchen window, first thing in the morning - for my Holly Hock to greet me. Yes, I can do it - through the storms, through the ugliness and the upside down seasons, through the mixed up and crazy turns of life; through the cruel and really really hard parts.
I can do it, I know I can.
It was my tallest Holly Hock. I think that Holly Hocks are my favorite flower. It’s definitely ONE of my favorites for sure. I think that they are so romantic and free flowing and strong and beautiful. They are kind of artsy and I love artsy things. But this one - well this one taught me something.
It taught me that in the midst of hail, and hurricane force winds and cold, cold spurts when it was supposed to be hot - I can stand strong; I can stand tall and I can be beautiful.
I remember after the third hailstorm this summer - looking outside at my flowers. It looked like a marigold massacre. Bit and pieces of petals and leaves and stems strewn all over my garden; vegetables had totally given up and pansies were one dimensional - they looked like a cruel painting against my steps. It was awful weather for any plant to survive.
Then a day or two later, I noticed something. My holly hocks - even though they were horizontal - they were blooming. They had been flattened; trampled by the weather, but still they found the strength to bring forth this beautiful bloom from their gangly stalks.
And then a few days later I looked and gasped. There was my tallest one -standing upright. Not laying on the ground anymore. It was taller than I was. It was beautiful and extravagant and strong. You would have never guessed in a million years what storms that Holly Hock had to weather. In amongst the weeds, the less than perfect soil, the terrible weather, it chose to be outrageously lovely.
It felt like it was cheering me on every day. “Yeah, Faith, you can do it! It doesn’t matter if you’ve had an achingly cold and harsh summer; it doesn’t matter if the storms keeps coming - you can do it I I’ve done it so can you!”
The bible talks about being more than a conqueror. I preached on that a few months ago. I have come to believe that being more than a conqueror has a lot more to do with your resolve to serve Jesus in the midst of “it all” rather than having all the circumstances line up perfectly in a row for your enjoyment. I think that being more than a conqueror means that you weather the storms of life knowing that you won’t run away from the one who calls you his son or daughter. You may have questions - you may be confused ;and you may even be a little bit angry - but you know Jesus enough. You have forged that relationship enough. You have dug the wells of friendship with Jesus in a deep way. You have enough history with Him to know that he is still God, he is still good and he can still be deeply trusted and loved with abandonment. That’s what I believe being more than a conqueror is.
So this summer I found myself looking out my kitchen window, first thing in the morning - for my Holly Hock to greet me. Yes, I can do it - through the storms, through the ugliness and the upside down seasons, through the mixed up and crazy turns of life; through the cruel and really really hard parts.
I can do it, I know I can.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Dearest Theodore
Dearest Theodore,
By now you have met your lovely Grandi. I am sure that he threw his arms around you and peppered you with a hundred kisses all over your face because he hasn’t been able to do that yet. So it would be fitting even though you are 23 today. And then maybe he growled in your ear a little bit - that playful growl he does when he is so happy to see someone.
He has talked about you lots. I have heard him mention you in his sermons. He has talked about how sometimes we go through really really hard times and we always have to run to Jesus in those deepest painful moments. That we should never run AWAY from Jesus - but run TO him. I was always proud when he mentioned you in sermons - sort of like a proud mom - like it was always special to get into one of his sermons.
I don’t know how birthdays work in heaven. Did he make you a cake? I have always wondered every year on your birthday how they celebrate in heaven. I have always wondered if Jesus baked you a cake - this year I have wondered if Grandi baked you a cake.
I am sure that he is sitting with you in his beautiful garden drinking a cup of tea and talking about his family, and talking about Mosaic - how it’s the best Church in the world to go to, or talking about Taiwan and his heart for China. Or maybe he is just talking about his beautiful flowers in heaven; exquisite flowers and giant roses that he has never seen before. I am sure it’s an amazing garden - so full of lovely, precious flowers and blooms. And there aren’t any dandelions at all. And maybe he will take you fishing after he has had his cup of tea.
You are 23 today. Wow. It seems so long ago - but only a moment ago that I held you in my arms and said good bye. My heart is a little bit raw today. But there is a little part that is comforted and warmed - knowing that you get to spend your first birthday with Grandi this year.
I love you deeply. My heart aches to my toes. You will always be missed and our family will never be totally complete even though I know that you are with Jesus and you are happy.
Happy Birthday, my dearest Theodore. I love you to Heaven and back.
With all my heart,
Mom
By now you have met your lovely Grandi. I am sure that he threw his arms around you and peppered you with a hundred kisses all over your face because he hasn’t been able to do that yet. So it would be fitting even though you are 23 today. And then maybe he growled in your ear a little bit - that playful growl he does when he is so happy to see someone.
He has talked about you lots. I have heard him mention you in his sermons. He has talked about how sometimes we go through really really hard times and we always have to run to Jesus in those deepest painful moments. That we should never run AWAY from Jesus - but run TO him. I was always proud when he mentioned you in sermons - sort of like a proud mom - like it was always special to get into one of his sermons.
I don’t know how birthdays work in heaven. Did he make you a cake? I have always wondered every year on your birthday how they celebrate in heaven. I have always wondered if Jesus baked you a cake - this year I have wondered if Grandi baked you a cake.
I am sure that he is sitting with you in his beautiful garden drinking a cup of tea and talking about his family, and talking about Mosaic - how it’s the best Church in the world to go to, or talking about Taiwan and his heart for China. Or maybe he is just talking about his beautiful flowers in heaven; exquisite flowers and giant roses that he has never seen before. I am sure it’s an amazing garden - so full of lovely, precious flowers and blooms. And there aren’t any dandelions at all. And maybe he will take you fishing after he has had his cup of tea.
You are 23 today. Wow. It seems so long ago - but only a moment ago that I held you in my arms and said good bye. My heart is a little bit raw today. But there is a little part that is comforted and warmed - knowing that you get to spend your first birthday with Grandi this year.
I love you deeply. My heart aches to my toes. You will always be missed and our family will never be totally complete even though I know that you are with Jesus and you are happy.
Happy Birthday, my dearest Theodore. I love you to Heaven and back.
With all my heart,
Mom
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Not Enough Time
When Sean first heard that his grandi had gone to be with Jesus, he cried, “No!! I only knew him for seven years. That’s not enough time!” Jer looked at him understandingly. “I only knew him for 50 years and that’s not enough time either.”
We went to his house the other day and I wept. His slippers were by the fireplace - empty. But I know he is walking and dancing and leaping on streets of gold now. His recliner chair sat empty, with some of his items on a coffee table beside it. But he doesn't need his chair anymore because he is seated with Jesus in heavenly places and he is happy. His clothes hung in the closet - empty. Emptiness that is so full and so heartbreaking it takes your breath away. But he doesn’t need clothes anymore because he is clothed with robes of righteousness, he is clothed in heavenly robes. He walks and talks with the Master that he so fiercely loved. And I know that he is fulfilled and he has no more pain and he has no more suffering. But really - as selfish as it is - I just want him here with us again. I just want him holding Mum’s hand again. I just want to be able to go to his house and ask him what he thinks about the refreshments on Saturday or ask him what he thinks about what kind of building we should get for the church. Or I just want to ask him anything. Anything at all - just one more conversation. Because I didn’t have enough time with him.
We admitted Dad into palliative care on the 11th, Wednesday. I remember it well. He was so tired; so depleted. I looked at his room. I knew that we were going to fill his room with pictures my son had taken of his garden for his last days. There was another picture I was going to hang up - a picture of a cross. Then the very next day, Mum alerted us that if we wanted to hold another conversation with him, that we should come because he was fading fast. But we never got that last conversation. We all came very quickly. But it was too late. He tried - he knew we were there. He even tried at one point to sing with us. But he was too sick. We stayed by his bed constantly those last days. He knew that he was loved and we knew that we were loved. We had had many conversations with him in the last two months after the first time he almost died. But we wanted one more conversation. Just one more. But let’s be honest - would one more have been enough?
Spend time with the ones you love. Walk with the ones that are dear to you. Set down your phones, and your ipads and your computers and your games and everything else that so easily distracts you and keeps you from listening to their heartbeat. Carve out time in your busy schedule for them; invest and pursue and live life with intention never forgetting what is most important to you. Because you never know when you will be breathing your last breath. You never know when they will be breathing their last breath. Grab the person next to you. Hug them, link arms with them; hold their hands - hold them tightly and never let them go because those things are the only important things in this world. Those things are the only meaning that this world gives. The other things are shallow - they are meaningless. Our fancy houses or our not so fancy houses - our cars- our lives here on this earth - they are nothing without those around us. Let’s not forget that. Our things........ none of that matters next to those people; our people; next to the ones that we walk this journey with. Nothing.
No matter what happens - there is never enough time. Make memories and hold onto those moments like gold and never let them go until they are taken from you.
Because I promise you - it will be too soon that life or death will pry your fingers from the grip of the one you love.
Life is like precious and fragile glass - you never know when it is going to break and shatter into a million pieces on the ground - never to be recovered again. But some of us spend so much of our lives occupying our minds with the wrong things - with the petty things; with the meaningless things. And we waste moments and days and years - for nothing.
Don’t waste another moment, not another beautiful second, worrying about the future or regretting the past. Time is far too short, it’s like a flash of lightening; a vapor. Laugh with your family; your heart friends; sing with them; dance with them; do silly things with them.
Because one day that moment will come when you will wish with all your mind, heart and soul, you will wish more than anything else in the world for one more song, one more conversation, one more meal, one more day.
Because it’s never enough...
We went to his house the other day and I wept. His slippers were by the fireplace - empty. But I know he is walking and dancing and leaping on streets of gold now. His recliner chair sat empty, with some of his items on a coffee table beside it. But he doesn't need his chair anymore because he is seated with Jesus in heavenly places and he is happy. His clothes hung in the closet - empty. Emptiness that is so full and so heartbreaking it takes your breath away. But he doesn’t need clothes anymore because he is clothed with robes of righteousness, he is clothed in heavenly robes. He walks and talks with the Master that he so fiercely loved. And I know that he is fulfilled and he has no more pain and he has no more suffering. But really - as selfish as it is - I just want him here with us again. I just want him holding Mum’s hand again. I just want to be able to go to his house and ask him what he thinks about the refreshments on Saturday or ask him what he thinks about what kind of building we should get for the church. Or I just want to ask him anything. Anything at all - just one more conversation. Because I didn’t have enough time with him.
We admitted Dad into palliative care on the 11th, Wednesday. I remember it well. He was so tired; so depleted. I looked at his room. I knew that we were going to fill his room with pictures my son had taken of his garden for his last days. There was another picture I was going to hang up - a picture of a cross. Then the very next day, Mum alerted us that if we wanted to hold another conversation with him, that we should come because he was fading fast. But we never got that last conversation. We all came very quickly. But it was too late. He tried - he knew we were there. He even tried at one point to sing with us. But he was too sick. We stayed by his bed constantly those last days. He knew that he was loved and we knew that we were loved. We had had many conversations with him in the last two months after the first time he almost died. But we wanted one more conversation. Just one more. But let’s be honest - would one more have been enough?
Spend time with the ones you love. Walk with the ones that are dear to you. Set down your phones, and your ipads and your computers and your games and everything else that so easily distracts you and keeps you from listening to their heartbeat. Carve out time in your busy schedule for them; invest and pursue and live life with intention never forgetting what is most important to you. Because you never know when you will be breathing your last breath. You never know when they will be breathing their last breath. Grab the person next to you. Hug them, link arms with them; hold their hands - hold them tightly and never let them go because those things are the only important things in this world. Those things are the only meaning that this world gives. The other things are shallow - they are meaningless. Our fancy houses or our not so fancy houses - our cars- our lives here on this earth - they are nothing without those around us. Let’s not forget that. Our things........ none of that matters next to those people; our people; next to the ones that we walk this journey with. Nothing.
No matter what happens - there is never enough time. Make memories and hold onto those moments like gold and never let them go until they are taken from you.
Because I promise you - it will be too soon that life or death will pry your fingers from the grip of the one you love.
Life is like precious and fragile glass - you never know when it is going to break and shatter into a million pieces on the ground - never to be recovered again. But some of us spend so much of our lives occupying our minds with the wrong things - with the petty things; with the meaningless things. And we waste moments and days and years - for nothing.
Don’t waste another moment, not another beautiful second, worrying about the future or regretting the past. Time is far too short, it’s like a flash of lightening; a vapor. Laugh with your family; your heart friends; sing with them; dance with them; do silly things with them.
Because one day that moment will come when you will wish with all your mind, heart and soul, you will wish more than anything else in the world for one more song, one more conversation, one more meal, one more day.
Because it’s never enough...
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